I drove in the pitch black down a lonely interstate late in the night with my two youngest children to the hotel where their father, who was also the father of all my seven children, was staying. We had just left a beautiful Christian Children’s Conference and were feeling hopeful and even cheerful. My two little ones had to have a joyful week of activities full of love and hope. I was feeling the same way with a contented little smile on my face as well as in my heart. I wanted to share these special moments and feelings with their father. I had expectations that somehow, he would be happy for us, that even though the little children and I were homeless by day and sleeping in an office by night, he would find joy amid the inequalities we faced. He paid for a hotel for the older ones and himself while we were sleeping in an office with no bathroom, let alone a shower, by ourselves without their father or older brothers for protection.

Instead, he was not happy but annoyed by my presence. The younger two children had fallen asleep in the car. I asked if we could “talk.” He said, “No, and we are separated!” He also told me to go to another church! I asked if he would at least help me with the little children to get them up the stairs at the office where we slept, since they had fallen asleep. Without answering, he opened a passenger’s back door and shook one on the chest to wake them. Then, he went to the other side of the car, opened the other back passenger door, and shook the second child awake. Then, he exclaimed, “There; now they’re awake!” Even after this event took place, I was still hoping for reconciliation. Because even though there was meanness, the separation we already experienced meant I did not get to see or even talk much to my older children, who were still staying with their Dad! My heart felt like a death had occurred.

Then, there came a time when my ex asked me for a ride to get his new/used car... I drove him with my two youngest children to a car lot in a bad part of town... he got out of my car and into his new car, which was not a vehicle that could carry all seven members that were left of our family. He drove off and left us in that parking lot, almost out of gas and only a couple of dollars to my name! I sat there with my mouth wide open in disbelief and voiced the realization in my head: that he did not plan on putting the family back together since he did not buy a van as in the past... we had seven family members at the time. We drove over to the gas station alone in the bad neighborhood late at night and then back to the office, where we slept.